Sunday, April 15, 2007


I had a difficult weekend. It started about Friday night, and by Saturday, I couldn’t get out of bed. I felt this numbness that was draining all of the energy out of me. By Sunday morning, I was just crying and crying, not able to do anything at all. I managed to pull myself together enough to go to an Al-Anon meeting Sunday afternoon, where the crying started all over again.

What prompted all of this was my boss telling me that I had to go to Houston for a business trip. I just got back from a business trip, and I don’t want to be away from my son and wife.

But of course, it’s about more than that.

My birth experience was traumatic. I was diagnosed with preeclampsia, and was suppose to be on bed rest. I wasn’t even supposed to sit up. I really needed the people in my life to take care of me. But they couldn’t. They couldn’t because I have always taken care of them, and switching roles was outside of their conception. They couldn’t because they are self-centered. They are selfish. They couldn’t because they were raised in the exact same household I was, and they are fucked up too.

It was the most vulnerable time in my life, and I felt completely abandoned. It ended up with my sister and me getting in a screaming argument. This was very bad. The danger with preeclampsia is that your blood pressure is raised, so this stress was not ok. She left before my son was born. We haven’t spoken since.

I have been angry since then. It was as if something broke inside of me. A valve came off. I have been difficult to deal with.

It’s been really difficult to communicate to people exactly what I have been going through. I had a therapist, but she treated my unwillingness to put my son in daycare as pathology. I fired her and just ended up angrier.

I have been trying to communicate with my wife, but she’s got her own shit to deal with. Not even in my AA meetings, where I usually find refuge, do I feel that I have been able to convey what this has all meant to me.

And now, I find, when something happens that I don’t like, I don’t agree with, I find it really difficult to deal with it. I don’t want to go to Houston. In fact, I don’t want to be working at all. I hate the separation from my son. And I am a little fucking sick and tired of being so freaking functional. Look where it’s gotten me.

BTW – the fact that I can even write this means that I am feeling a little better. And yes, I am going to get some outside help.


Mermaidgrrrl said...

Oh sweetie - it sounds like a big shitload of grief and disappointment is stuck inside you. I'm glad that you're crying at least, because that's all the hurt and tears leaving your insides. My family are super-sucky too so I relate to the caring for everyone else part. It's just so fucking disappointing isn't it? And the therapist sounds like a dick too which doesn't help. I wish I was there with a margarita in one hand and tissues in the other so we could have a good cry-fest together.

michelle said...

my heart really aches for you, it's really shitty to hear about your tears not to mention being at work while your beautiful child is in the care of vertual strangers... screw "socialization", kids should be with their parents. i have family that had their kids in day care at 6 weeks, saying bills to pay and it's good for them. we took drastic steps to make it possible for me to never have to go to work, we moved from inner city living to somewhere as remote as mars, cant stand so much about far north west queensland but the good out shines the bad 10 fold. i dont want to sound condesending but maybe it's time to make changes that give lil guy his mum at her best. :)

Rosie said...

Awww, Googie, so sorry this is being a difficult time. I does seem sometimes that the caretakers often have to delay dealing with issues when they need to be dealt with. So pain and grief trickle out in unexpected places. I'm glad you can write about it now. It's good that you are working it out in your heart.

Fucking business trips. Just make sure you find some hideously expensive but allowable thing to throw on your expense report. Like a working dinner at a 5 star restaurant. I promise it will make you feel better.

googiebaba said...

Hi everyone, thank-you for your comments. I really appreciate it.

Mermaidgrrrl, first off, I love your blog. The family stuff is really disappointing. Its funny. I didn't really know I had expectations of my family, until my son was born. His birth brought up all of the old grief I had around them. Its like I haven't done any emotional work at all, and I really have.

Michelle, we've discussed that very solution. The two biggest things that keep us here is my wife's family being nearby, and our really great gay friendly neighborhood. Its a really good place for a kid with two moms to grow up. Very expensive though. And being us, we bought at the very HEIGHT of the real estate boom.

Rosie - I am so putting pedicures on my expensive account, and I will think of you!

BostonMaggie said...

I am sorry that you don't have the support system you deserve. All you can do is look to the future and know that things will be different for your son.
I second Rosie, make the boss pay for the pedi!