Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Things I can blog about, but not say out loud

I am trying to keep my sadness over going back to work from turning into an out and out depression. I am having a hard time. I really want to enjoy my last few days as a SAHM, but honestly, I am fighting some really ugly feelings.

For reasons I don’t understand, going back to work is connected to my feelings about my family’s treatment of me and my son. As I mentioned, most of my immediate family doesn’t even acknowledge his existence. Besides a voice mail left when he was first born, my brother has never called or asked about him. My sister called once, and I haven’t heard from her since.

I have probably thought about my brothers and sisters every day since lil’ guy was born. I always knew that I didn’t come from a very loving family, but it wasn’t until my son was born that I realized how selfish they were.

What does this have to do with going back to work? I don’t know. Other than the fact that what I really want is to stay home but still have enough money to pay the bills, and that just isn’t the reality right now. What I really want is a supportive family, and that isn’t a reality either.

Compounding everything is the fact that I am running a fever and have a stuffy nose. Last night, I really wanted my wife to come home and take care of me. But there was a nurse at the hospital who had made some sort of mistake. She was feeling bad so my wife took her out for ice cream. She didn’t get home until late. I was really feeling sorry for myself by then.

I am just feeling pissy all over.


Susan said...

OK-- maybe you're afraid that somehow you'll be thought of as uncaring when lil guy grows up? I just don't see that. I was thinking about you just yesterday-- congrats on the new job. It will feel bad, but you can do it-- and lil guy might just enjoy making new friends! Anyway, I found a good clothing option place. Call me.

Rosie said...

I'm sorry you are feeling icky and conflicted about the job thing. Give it some time. Hopefully things will even out for you. It will be hard being away from your sweet little fella.

mrs. d said...

hi googiebaba,
i like your blog...i wanted to tell you that the fact you were not born into a loving and connected family will not prevent you from you and momma creating your own loving and amazing family which is what you are doing. your siblings sound as tho. they aren't aware of this amazing new life you have brought into the world and are not overly interested in being a part of your new role as mom. i suggest you pour all your love you wish they would give you right into your wife and baby.
i lost my mom almost 4 years ago...and she was my best friend, my touchstone. everything i did with my kids felt 100 times morre special because my mom was so thrilled for me and a part of our everyday lives. i was so devestaed when she died because she was the glue in my small family. my gram died last year and i will always remember her advice. she told me what i told put all the love i felt for my mom and our it inot my children.
i can also relate to the flu now...there is no such thing as a sick mom b/c you still are "on" 24/7 even w/the is hard...but you are not alone.
nice to meet your blog.
feel better and remember to create what u wish u had. that is what i struggle to do every single day.
mrs. d

Jen from Boston said...

It's taken me a while to catch up, but here I am. I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when you needed me. I didn't realize all that was going through your head. I love you and so does little guy- and we're in it for the long, bumpy, sometimes joyful, sometimes tearful, haul