Saturday, May 27, 2006


I have been having dreams where I see my father holding my son. He lifts him up into the air, and beams proudly at him. These dreams are disturbing. If my father were dead, I would be tempted to believe it was his spirit coming to visit his grandson. But my father is not dead, he is alive, but he has no idea he is a grandfather

My father is very religious, and I am afraid to tell him. This is painful because my dad continually asks when I am going to make him a grandfather. Out of necessity, he knows very little about my life. He doesn’t know that I am gay, doesn’t know that I got married, doesn’t know that I don’t go to church, and most distressingly, doesn’t know about his grandson.

I have been tempted to tell him, but the absolute truth is out of the question. I certainly cannot tell him that he came from donor #3672 and that my wife caught our son as I pushed him out of my womb. He would disown me, and that is the opposite of what I want. So I would have to make something up, like a one night stand or a relationship that went bad. The lies would follow lies. It hurts my head.

I keep quiet about my life, our conversations are strained, as for now, my father holds my son only in my dreams.

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