Friday, May 26, 2006

What I organize, they will trash

My wife took my son for a few hours yesterday, so I had the house to myself. I did what I had wanted to do for weeks, clean the floors. It took several hours because the house was so messy, and I was exhausted when I was done, but things look pretty good. It has not been not more than 24 hours, and its chaos here once again. What I had organized is now scattered.

I was kind of thinking about it, and maybe that is the whole point of relationships, to knock your world around a bit. This happened to me emotionally when I met my wife. I had gotten out of a very difficult 3 year relationship with an active alcoholic, and was looking forward to just being alone. I felt like it was going to be ok if I was single for the rest of my life. And then I met the love of my life, and my whole world was sent spinning. Everything had to be negotiated from where to spend Christmas to how we communicated.

After a few years, I felt pretty good about where we were at. For the first time in my life, I was beginning to feel sane. My life had a nice flow to it, without much disruption. If problems did arise, I felt capable of handling them.

And then we decided to have children, and everything was crazy once again. I was thin before I got pregnant, doing yoga several times a week, now my body will never be the same. I am so sleep deprived, I find myself unable to think straight or clearly. I feel confused, disoriented, mercurial and more in love with my wife and son than I dreamed imaginable.

So this got me to thinking, maybe we are not here to be organized, thin or even in control of our emotions. Maybe we are here to be changed, to have life change us, undo us, destroy us and then reassemble us back again.

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